I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
