I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
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Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
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Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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