I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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