And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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