I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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