my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
