remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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