He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
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why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
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It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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