I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
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We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
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Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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