Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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