I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
