Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
