So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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