so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize