Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
