Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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