She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
