i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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