I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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