you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
