I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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