Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
