I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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