oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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