Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just pee around me
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
