either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
