but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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