Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
this hospital has no fireball
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
