I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
you had me at cake vodka
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
