Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
