Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
