he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
