I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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