You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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