I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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