Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
