i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
