I'm lost and stupid without you.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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