My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
