I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
it's like iHOP with fire
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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