She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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