I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
