She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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