my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
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We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
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you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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