I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
