New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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