We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
