Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
