Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
worst night to have a conscience
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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