Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
