just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize