I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
