So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Randomize
